Time Flies...

When we had our first son 9 years ago everyone told us that we should cherish every moment because the time would go by so fast and before we knew it he’d be off to college. After 2 years of cherishing every moment we had another baby boy and people told us the same LIES all over again. I wouldn’t exactly describe the last 7 years as fast. However, here is a heartily abridged list of adjectives that I might use; messy, tiring, fraught, long, poopy, expensive, and hectic.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of good times in there to be cherished but in my experience there’s also plenty of time to cherish them. I can’t wait until they leave for college and I can get some free time back. To be honest, I really hoped they’d have already left for college by now, though I’m not sure the younger one is going to college because I still can’t get him to remember to flush the toilet with any kind of regularity.

For those of you who don’t know me I’m Ian and I rely heavily on sarcasm because someone once told me it’s the crutch of a poor writer and I know my limitations. I’ll be striving for posts that leave you reeling on the floor with laughter and settling for a mild chortle and an ‘lol’ in the comments. My posts will be completely, 100% factual except when they contain things that you think require a call to CPS or an angry e-mail to me, those posts are just made up for the sake of humor. One day mental health professionals will no doubt comb through these posts to determine how I lost my sanity or what went wrong with my kids. It could go either way.

My wife and I spend our time driving our kids everywhere and in return they drive us to drink. Buckle up, it’s going to be a fun ride.

Welcome

Let's get one thing straight: parenting sucks.

Oh sure, there are those moments where you feel brilliant for pro-creating. First recital, first touchdown, first time getting through church without having the priest ask if he'd like us to perform an exorcism, etc. 

You know...the special moments. 

More often than not, parenting is like a marathon. There are ups and there are downs and - in the end -you're tired, sore and you just want a beer. Badly.

If you were looking for a "happy, touchy feely" parenting blog where we extoll the virtues of our Precious Angels, then go somewhere else.

The 5 authors of this blog will be tackling all of the important aspects of parenting like what to do when there’s poop in the tub, how to make an entire meal from the crumbs under that car seat and what is the lime to tequila ratio for perfect margaritas. We’ll be handling these issues with class, style and honesty, or in the event that those things are unavailable to us, sarcasm and fabrication. Why do we have 5 authors for this blog? Because we couldn’t find a 6th (and Amy is a crapshoot at this point, so it's nice to have extras.)

Let us introduce ourselves:

Amy. Amy’s a Mormon which is funny in itself because of all the stereotypes that just flooded into your head. Amy fits every single one of those stereotypes, probably. Have you ever heard of a Mormon mom writing a blog that wasn’t funny? Can’t think of any can you? Exactly. Oh, and the first person to ask how many sister wives she has gets punched. Don’t be an idiot, leave that to us.

Razz. Razz is a Nebraska fan and an Apple fanboy so if you send us a funny video that requires flash then you had best not send it to Razz because his iPad/iPhone/iTouch can’t iPlay it. Razz is also a teacher, which means he’s not just responsible for his own kids, he’s also shaping the future of this country. Chilling.

Nitmos. Nitmos is so dedicated to being the uncool Dad that he still uses AOL. That’s really all you need to know about him. I think he also moonlights as a Llama jockey in his spare time.

Niki. I don’t know Niki well enough to make lots of derogatory remarks about her which is unfortunate because it’s what I do best. I can tell you that Niki has twins, which means that she has twice the ‘joy’ of being a parent.

Ian. Finally, there’s me. I’m the funny, handsome one that everyone now hates for all of the above descriptions. (Guys, please don’t edit this to say something mean!)

All complaints about this blog should be directed to Ian. Even if he didn't write it.